Earlier this month I made a though decision to resign from a number of organizations of which I was apart.
As I wrote in my email to my colleagues, “There is change…positive change… happening, I am trying to make sense of it all and manage it appropriately…before I ruin it. Insert nervous laugh. With all of the moving parts and increased responsibility at work and personal life, time was becoming more and more scarce. Making the best decisions weighed heavily on my mind for a couple months. I had been attempting to make it work as I served on four local boards, in addition to my full-time job.
When I accepted those leadership roles, it was perfect at that time, but it eventually transitioned to a lot of anxiety-ridden events. I was always preparing for something next with little to no crossover in expertise. In my mind, I am thinking, ‘This is what Fortune 500 CEOs and Anna Wintours of the world do. This is just training.’ That–I tried to convince myself of and how channel my energy and create new energy within to keep moving. I learned there are limits.
Personal relationships took on different meanings. The more people, I met, the more I became realistic about human nature. It is not neat and clean, black and white. You can do everything well, and someone will still find fault in you. I had to stop trying to please other people–stop trying to appear useful to them. I told myself, ‘Everyone does not need me. I don’t have to save the world”. They didn’t really need me. Anyone can fill in my seat.
This mentality was strengthened by the fact that I was on an Advisor for a team I was to coach. I had to be there for them. I kept telling myself, “Don’t let it go. Don’t give up on them”. However, at the same time, I felt I had missed a few key foundational moments with my fellow Advisors and with the Team. Everyone seemed to click, and I was left trying to work my why in and do what I do best. Unfortunately, even that realization prevented me from connecting fully as I had hoped with anyone. I thought, “why aren’t all of these people more welcoming? Why are we not cliquing?” On another board I remember thinking, “Well, if they have all of the answers why do I feel like I am not needed in this room?” I felt my mental and emotional energy going awry. I knew I needed to re-focus strategically. My anxiety in making my personal obligations happen and being a good example for my community would be more costly than letting somethings go at this point.
To most people, I am known as being very involved and a multitasking pro–sometimes to a fault. However, I realized that I had positioned my 34-year-old-self right in front of a leadership opportunities that required new growth and strategic focus. With that came my leadership test: Can I be effective? I knew if I was not 100% present in all things, I could not be as effective as I knew I could be. Therefore, I made the decision to step back from leadership in those organizations and focus squarely on building additonal skills necessary to manage and lead organizations.
I learned first hand that those CEO’s don’t just fill their day, but they do it strategically. As I build up to that level of expertise, I will need to learn how to do so well. Unlearning some old behaviors (taking on too much) and allowing myself to let go was one step in this journey.
If you have any behaviors you need to unlearn, I highly recommend this book!
