Have you ever walked into a meeting when tensions were high. Each side ready to lambast the other–Members of each side, unwilling to look on another in the eye. Emotions are running high until the words without reason begin to spew out. Blame is cast on the other with corresponding rebuttals echoing the same. Volcanoes of emotion erupting one after the next. Where is the voice of reason?
I’ve learned over the years that there are two things beat “truth” every time in the onset–truth being anything thing rooted in objective reality. So that means facts are null and void until you can get passed two gatekeepers: perception and emotion. Both feed on one another, and each party has their own gatekeepers who are ready to do battle.
Many people do not realize that when arguments happen it is conflicting realities that are at war. Understanding this is the first step to devising your strategy to enter their “Kingdom”. Dealing with and being aware of our own stuff will bring us to a point of calm. Majority of our communications occur non-verbally–the way you sit, stand, breath, look, modulate your voice, etc. A lot is being said without saying anything at all. However, when you open your mouth, the things that come out of it seals the deal.
The key strategy of penetrating that kingdom is through actively listening. It does not mean sitting back and only listening, and it is certainly not talking relentlessly about your position. That is overwhelming at best and gets everyone nowhere.
In order to be a good active listeners. It is important for you execute four tactics:
- Set the tone – Before the meeting starts, it is vital to ask the other party to clearly spell out their position. But not analyze or being to rebut. Just hear them out.
- Pay attention- As you listen to what is being said, make sure you are truly listening, but listen for the real story behind what is being said. Typically this will be demonstrated nonverbally, but through emotion. Emphasis through gestures typically precede something of high importance to them. Be careful not to add your interpretation to it. Simply observe that this is important to this person.
- Clarify position – Now that you have heard the other person and understand the viewpoint from which they are rooting their beliefs. Echo the points that were delivered with emphasis and ask them to repeat anything points that were ambiguous or unclear.
- Connect with the Gatekeepers- Now that you understand their position and what it really means to them can gain a sense of the values they hold dear. Here you can begin to find common ground first and build up trust to positively impact the perceptions and emotions.
These four tactics I have found helpful as I learn to be more effective communicator. If there are other ways that you feel are important, please leave a message below!
